Top Down Day Read online

  “Look, I’m sorry if I missed you the first time.”

  Now I’m starting to feel guilty. Who knows what happened to him this morning.

  “It’s all good.” His response lightens the tension in the car.

  “How are you doing this morning?”

  Why does it always feel necessary to engage in small talk during Uber drives? Maybe I’m just trying to distract myself from reality. Maybe we all are.

  “Just a busy morning with the kids. Trying to get some work in before church.”

  I knew he would have a backstory. I bet his kids made him late this morning and it put him in a bad mood.

  “How about you? Leaving the hospital pretty early?”

  “Yeah, my husband just passed away.”

  What the hell are you saying, Dawn?! Why would you tell this stranger such personal information? More importantly, why does your voice sound like you were simply commenting on the weather? What’s wrong with you?

  The awkwardness in the car slowly creeps its way back in. Great job, Dawn.

  “Wow. I’m so, I’m so sorry to hear that.” It’s apparent he feels uncomfortable.

  Is this how it’s always going to be when I tell people?

  We didn’t speak for the rest of the car ride.

  I swear I didn’t blink before we’re suddenly pulling into my driveway. I’m exhausted; I didn’t have the energy to let my mind wander during the drive.

  “Thank you again.”

  The door almost closes before I hear Aaron say, “Have a blessed Sunday. I’ll be praying for you and your family.”

  My heart aches as he says it. I can’t believe I’m the person strangers offer prayers to. I shut the car door and walk towards the front door. I can feel the exhaustion setting in as I walk up the front steps. I grab the side rails to help me up. When I finally approach the door, the knob is locked. How fitting. I don’t have the energy to be upset; I head back down the stairs and go to the garage keypad. Why didn’t I start here?

  When I finally enter the house, I freeze in the kitchen. My house doesn’t feel the same. It’s like I’m walking into it for the first time; nothing looks familiar. I see Corey’s work computer and briefcase sitting on the kitchen table. As I walk over to tidy up his paperwork, I begin to envision Corey on Friday. He had a meeting that morning; he probably took the call right here. He sat in this chair. My fingers trace over his notes, allowing myself to half-heartedly smile. His handwriting is horrific, but it brings me comfort looking at it right now. I dread my bedroom, but I know I need sleep.

  I stand outside the door frame as I peer into the room. The sheets are ruffled. They were never made Friday morning. He never had a chance to make it. Everything escalated too quickly. I remember back to the ambulance call. Corey was in bed when the EMTs arrived, wasn’t he? Did he not feel good and go back to bed? I try to piece the puzzle together. Where did he throw up the blood? I race to the bathroom, but there are no signs of blood anywhere. Did someone come clean up? I catch his side of the bathroom out of the corner of my eyes. His toothbrush and contact case sit untouched. I walk over to his comb sitting out on the counter; I slowly pick it up and grip it tightly. I want to feel him, his presence. Bringing it back down, I open the drawer and put it away. Why am I tidying up? It’s pointless. This stuff is useless. I need both of my hands on the counter to stop myself from falling down. I look up to the mirror and realize it’s the first time I’m seeing myself since Friday. I look like shit. My hair’s a mess and my makeup’s completely smeared. I guess I’ve been looking as bad as I feel. At that moment, I let go of everything I’ve been trying so desperately to hold in. My sobs are loud. I can feel each one travel all the way through my body and pull in my stomach as I struggle for a breath in between each cry. My fingers frantically try to stop each tear from coming out. I can’t wake the kids up. I need to go to bed. I walk away, weaker than I was before.

  As I reach my bed, my body completely collapses. The mattress feels cold and the room feels empty. This is the loneliest I have ever felt in my entire life. A king bed feels so unnecessary for one person. I already miss you so much, Corey. How am I going to make it through every night alone?

  |7:29 AM|

  Natalie

  My eyes abruptly open and I’m suddenly wide awake. Crap! I fell asleep!

  I jump off the couch and race downstairs. The kitchen clock reads 7:29 AM. Mom! Did she ever make it home?

  I’m calling out, “Mom!” before I make it to her room.

  She flips over and jolts up. “Yes? Natalie? Is everything okay?” She sounds as scared as I do.

  Oh thank goodness. She finally made it home; we need her.

  “Yes, everything’s okay. I’m so glad you’re home. I’m so, so sorry I fell asleep.”

  I begin to cry as I say it out loud. I’ve let her down. I’ve let down Dad. I should’ve been there when she walked inside. I needed to be there to tell her how my heart aches for her right now. I was supposed to be there to tell her we will figure out the next steps together, and how I’ll do anything to help her. But instead, I’m two hours too late and I’ve woken her up from her first deep sleep in days. I’ll never forgive myself for this.

  “Oh, honey. Don’t cry. I’m glad you were sleeping.”

  I crawl into her bed and give her a hug. I’ve missed her so much.

  She speaks before I get a chance. “Let’s get some sleep.”

  We both get situated in the bed, staring at opposite walls. I feel so out of place in this room, but I know I need to be here for my mom. She keeps tossing and turning. She can’t fall asleep either.

  “Mom? Are you awake?” I whisper, in case I’m wrong and she is sleeping.

  She turns over as she answers, “Yeah.”

  “Do you think Dad knew he was dying?”

  I couldn’t let this thought go. I need to know if there were any signs that he was afraid.

  Dawn

  I answer immediately without giving the question much thought, “No, I don’t think so. Do you?”

  “I’m not sure how that works.”

  Why does she sound like a young girl trying to find answers to the mystery of life?

  She rolls back over. I guess that was all she needed to hear.

  I start analyzing her question. Did he know? I don’t think so. He never mentioned anything, but why would he? I think back to the past few months.

  We always had the goal of going to all fifty states together, and we promised to keep Alaska as the final state we would conquer together. Yet, last May he begged to break the promise. He wanted to take the entire family on an extravagant cruise leaving from Seattle. I kept resisting, reminding him we still had kids in college. When I finally agreed to the idea, he kept pushing to do the most grandiose excursions. “We have to go dog sledding because Kristen loves dogs.” “We have to go on the floatplane because it’s the best way to spot wildlife, and Thomas wants to see a bear.” “We have to take a helicopter to a glacier because Natalie loves those Planet Earth documentaries.” “We have to do the ATV ride, just because it’s an ATV ride.” It was the vacation of a lifetime, and he didn’t want to hold back on anything.

  Later that month, Thomas, Corey, and I went back to our old town, Nazareth. Thomas’ childhood friend was getting married, and we had received an invitation to attend. Our visit brought back many memories, and reminiscing with old friends was the highlight of the trip. I make a mental note to find the photo booth pictures of us dressed up in masks and Mardi Gras beads.

  Then, in July, he rented a house on Lake Keowee for the 4th. He also rented a speedboat and every accessory possible. We had tubing, water-skiing, and wakeboarding. I close my eyes and imagine the smile on his face when Kristen and Natalie bounced up and down on the tubes. Corey drove the boat and found sandbars to anchor to so we could grill. On the final day, Corey extended the speedboat rental because the kids were having so much fun. He never thought twice about the price when it was spent on making family
memories.

  I remember I was worried about how much he was traveling in August and September, but he assured me it was all necessary trips.

  In the beginning of August, he surprised his sister by flying into Grand Junction. His dad was visiting her, and he wanted to surprise them both. He talked about the looks on their faces for weeks.

  Corey hadn’t been back home to Montana in a while, and his dad’s brother was celebrating his 90th birthday at the end of August. A number of his extended family would be there, some of them Corey hadn’t seen in over a decade. Of course, Corey waited until the last minute to book his flight, and the ticket was over $600. I remember telling him that was an absurd amount of money to pay for an airline ticket, but he insisted. Thank God he went.

  Two weeks later, he and Thomas went to the Packers-Vikings game and then the following weekend he was in Vegas to see the Queen concert with friends. I could tell he was exhausted from the trips, but he never complained; he made sure everyone was enjoying themselves.

  For Thanksgiving, we hosted my family. We had beautiful weather. I’ll never forget the corn-hole tournament Corey and I won. We stayed in pajamas all day and danced to Meatloaf songs. The embarrassment on the kid’s faces was priceless and only encouraged Corey to keep dancing.

  For Christmas, Corey rented a house on Lake Lure in the mountains of Asheville big enough to host his family. The house came with a pontoon boat; we floated around the lake with hot cocoa for everyone. We had Biltmore House Christmas tickets and made reservations in the famous stable for dinner.

  We’ll be forever grateful for having the last two holidays with both of our families.

  The more I think back, Corey did more in this past year than ever before. He was reaching out to family members he hadn’t seen in years. He took advantage of seeing old friends. We made some of our best family memories in the past year. How did this all align so perfectly? Did he have some inclination to make the most of the prior year?

  What am I thinking right now? I shake my head in disbelief. Of course he didn’t know; I’m just extremely sleep deprived.

  - THIRTEEN -

  |9:02 AM|

  Kristen

  As I open my eyes, I peek at the media room and quickly shut my eyes again. I don’t want to wake up to this; I don’t want any of it to be true.

  Brandon’s cough forces me to open my eyes again.

  “Hey Kristen, you awake?” He whispers.

  I guess so.

  I mumble back, “Yeah.”

  “Do you know what time your grandparents land? I’ll pick them up so you can all stay together.”

  Thank God Brandon is here. The airport drive is miserable; it’s not overly far but just long enough to make it a nuisance.

  “Um, let me check. They texted us their flight info yesterday.”

  My phone screen lights up, indicating that I have several notifications. I scroll past the Snapchat and Instagram alerts. How can I possibly respond to my friends right now? The Niners Outlook alert, the school’s notification system, catches my attention. My professor must have responded to my email early this morning. My heart feels like it’s in my stomach. Is she okay with me missing some school? Last I emailed her, Dad was still alive.

  I quickly maneuver to the group message with my grandparents and aunt.

  “2 PM. They land at 2 PM.” I don’t want to open the email in front of Brandon.

  “Ok, thanks. I’m gonna go start the coffee pot for everyone. Want me to bring you up a cup?”

  Is it that obvious I want him to leave? That I need a moment alone? I glance over to Thomas, still sound asleep on the opposite side of the couch; at least I have a moment in a room where I’m the only one awake. It finally registers that Natalie isn’t here anymore. Did she already get up?

  “Sure. Thanks.”

  After I watch him leave the room, I refocus my attention to my phone. Before I hit ‘open,’ I glance over to make sure Thomas is still sleeping. I don’t want everyone thinking I need to be comforted every time I cry or have a moment of weakness. With Thomas still out cold, I open the email.

  “Kristen,

  I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. Please do not worry about classwork. Take care of yourself and your family for now.

  We can discuss a plan when your dad gets out of ICU. I’ll be praying for you and your family.

  Dr. Murphy.”

  It feels like someone has punched me right in the gut and knocked the wind right out of me. I could almost laugh at the words, but my eyes start to fill with tears. I turn my direction to the ceiling. I should’ve never emailed her yesterday. I should’ve waited until Sunday to do an update. Now I get to correct myself and tell her that her prayers are too late. I want to smash my phone against the wall. I’m so dumb. I should’ve known the prognosis didn’t look good. I shouldn’t have been so hopeful. I bury my head into my hands and quietly let go of the tears built up in my eyes. How am I supposed to go back to school? I’ll never be able to focus again. I’ll never be able to get through my last two semesters. What’s the point in any of this anymore? I couldn’t even recognize the severity of my dad’s situation; I can’t be a nurse. I don’t deserve to be a nurse.

  Dawn

  I feel better even after only two hours of sleep. I know I won’t be able to sleep any longer; my mind is racing with things that need to get done today. Natalie is still sleeping. I’m glad she came downstairs earlier; the room feels a little less intimidating with someone beside me. I turn to the clock and notice it’s just past 9 AM. You need to get this over with before starting anything else. They deserve to know before others.

  I cautiously leave the bed in an attempt not to wake Natalie up. Once I successfully get out, I grab my phone and head to my bathroom.

  The tile feels cold on my feet, but I don’t mind. It helps me focus on the tile rather than what I’m about to do. I’m staring at Jess’ number in my contact book. Stay calm, Dawn. They will know what to do. They need to know first.

  Corey worked with Evan for several years at his previous company. When Evan became the CEO of the new company, he asked Corey to join the team. Evan and his wife, Jess, have been there for Corey and me every moment since we left Pennsylvania. They made Charlotte feel like our home, and I appreciated their friendship. Probably more than they really know.

  I press her number before I have another second to delay the call. The rings are long and loud. The call goes to voicemail. I remember their family is traveling back from Iceland today. I better not ruin the end of their trip. Maybe I should call tomorrow?

  My phone pings with a text from Jess almost immediately after I hang up.

  “You’re supposed to be in church right now. Guessing it was a butt dial?”

  I could’ve made church this morning. I can still make church this afternoon. But I know I’m not going. I need to be here with my kids and, for the first time, it doesn’t feel necessary to go to church.

  I text her back, “no. need you and Evan to call me when you have a chance.”

  I’m sure this text message will catch her off guard. What could I possibly need this early on a Sunday?

  She calls me almost instantly after I send her the text message. I don’t let the first ring finish before I answer.

  She speaks before I get a chance. “Is everything okay?”

  My voice cracks and I start to whimper. “No, Jess. It isn’t. Are you with Evan?”

  “No. What’s going on, Dawn?”

  The panic in her voice is overwhelming. My vision is tunneling.

  “I need you to go get him, Jess.”

  I want to tell them both at the same time. I want to limit the number of times I have to say it out loud. The silence is brief while I wait for Jess to get Evan.

  “Okay, he’s right here. It’s on speaker. What’s happening?”

  Her words sound rushed.

  “You’re scaring me…”

  “Corey…” I have to take a breath before I finish.<
br />
  The bathroom door opens and Natalie is standing at the entrance. The edges of my mouth rise as I give her a look of gratitude. She looks half asleep, but she sits down on the floor next to me and places her hand overtop of mine. Her presence gives me strength. Just being here for me, not saying a word, just sitting next to me is what I need.

  “Corey has passed away.”

  The line is silent. I guess I should’ve warned them or gave them a heads up before blurting it out. I can’t imagine the shock. It’s not as if Corey was sick. There were no signs or symptoms leading up to this moment. Or were there and I missed them? Either way, this shouldn’t be the news I’m telling them on a Sunday morning.

  “What?” Jess finally asks, completely shocked. “How?”

  “He was bleeding internally and there was nothing the doctors could do to stop it.”

  Natalie squeezes my hand, reminding me I’m not in this alone.

  “It happened so fast. He was admitted Friday and passed away this morning.”

  More silence.

  “I’m so sorry, Dawn. For you, for the kids, for everyone.”

  Jess is still the only one talking.

  “I, I really don’t know what to say.”

  Did Evan hear me? What’s he thinking? What’s he doing? The two of them share a love for music. Evan and Corey play music together frequently with friends. Did he realize this meant he would need to find a new guitar player for their small 3-person band?

  “It still doesn’t quite feel real.”

  I let out a weep and continue my sentence.

  “I wanted to tell you first so Evan could be the one to tell the staff.”

  “Who knows?”

  Still only Jess talking.

  “No one besides family.”

  “Evan will address it Monday. Today, focus on your family. Don’t worry about telling people; we can help you. We’ll help with whatever you need.”

  I can hear the sincerity echo in each word.

  “Thank you, Jess. I better go see if my kids are awake.”

  I glance over at Natalie who is staring out into the distance. I can’t tell if she’s listening anymore or lost in her thoughts.